"How can they do this?!"

How I deal with difficult family members

Over Christmas in 2023, I had one of those moments that made me go "man I am so grateful I learnt to be mindful".

A moment where Old Me would have completely lost it, cried, screamed into an empty room... and then had an argument with the family member that (unknowingly) triggered such upset.

What happened?

Said family member had told me that there had been an unfortunate clash on the day we were supposed to be together for Christmas.

I haven't seen this family member close to Christmas day in a looooooong time.

We used to have a pretty difficult relationship but things have been slowly improving over the last 7 years (for which mindfulness is 100% responsible and the change for which I am most grateful - but that's a story for another time).

So when they said it was looking difficult to stick to our original plan, I wanted to cry.

And for a moment, I felt myself hold back the tears and just nod along with the conversation.

And then, in the calmness of my mind, I noticed a voice.

"How can they do this?!? I thought things had changed, I thought it was going to be special?!”

And the big one: “why do I even bother?!!"

And as I listened to those questions CALMLY, I realised I knew the answer.

They didn't realise how much it meant to me.

They didn't realise how upset I was, because I always hid my upset from them.

Instead, I tended to wait until the upset turned to red hot anger and then I yelled at them (which, spoiler alert, isn't a good way to communicate).

Accurate photographic representation of interactions with this family member circa 8 years ago. Photo by Ása Steinarsdóttir on Unsplash

So I let myself cry. In front of them.

I told them how I really wanted this Christmas together to be special and how much I'd been looking forward to it.

And they immediately apologised.

They said they wanted it to be special too and they'd find a way to rearrange the clash.

That wouldn't have happened if I'd (a) bottled it up or (b) allowed the bottled up emotions to turn to anger.

Mindfulness lets me SEE my thoughts, stay calm, and make a rational decision, rather than getting swept along with the anger and not being able to see straight.

It's the difference between between watching a storm from the safety of a window and deciding to wait for it settle down before going outside, versus standing right in the middle of it, with no idea how you got there and how to get out.

Before I go: something for you to think about.

How different would your life be if you responded to each and every moment of life calmly and intentionally?

It’s not something I manage, but it’s definitely something I aim for. I’ll share more next time.

I hope it’s given you something to think about 🥰

Lucy x

PS. Being calm and intentional is something we’ll practise at my retreat in a few weeks - because you can’t get good at something if you don’t take time to practise.

There’s still time to join us.